Get Your Mind in the Gutter

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I sometimes get tired of waiting and being a "good boy," especially when it seems like everyone is getting "it."

A good man wants love to come to him although he usually waits to no avail.

But, every now and then, love actually stumbles upon the man's lap.

Bad boys tend to also be "go-gettas" when it comes to getting girls and pussy.

They work hard to get some and more power to them.

I have been waiting for twenty-one years and I will wait until I feel ready to be intimate (in every sense of the word) with the person I first choose to be intimate with.

"Waitin' ain't gettin," as some guys say "You best believe that."

What can we actually be getting from sex?

Well, you best believe this, even in Collier County---a far cry from the lifestyle of Miami-Dade County---a quiet, more conservative county in Southwest Florida, the HIV/AIDS rates amongst black youth is at an all time high (an estimated 44% of new cases).

In fact, the rate of infection surpasses that of Miami-Dade in recent years.
Further, in some counties in South Florida, the numbers are as high as 50%.



No matter what your religious, political, or moral beliefs these figures are startling.

Many carriers of the Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) may not even show symptoms for months and in some cases years.

The first advice I could give to anyone, particularly anyone sexing regularly, is to get tested once every three to six months.


It is better to know your status than to infect others with this incurable disease.

Of course, people will argue that protection precludes testing for HIV. However people do not act rationally all the time, as history, economics, psychology, and other studies have proven.

Although those who are sexually active are told to practice safe sex, many do not always do so.

What else would explain all these unwanted pregnancies?

I know for a fact that most of the people I grew up with have had sex without using even basic protection.

Our generation has an affinity for pills, such as birth control and the morning-after.

Oftentimes women use pills in lieu of vaginal condoms for the satisfaction that condom-free sex provides.

Men are told to "wrap it up" but often use their force of persuasion and power to convince their significant others that condom-less sex is much better for their pleasure.

Therefore, many young women fall victim to this persuasion and manage to get pregnant before they have a ring on their fingers or are emotionally ready to bear children.

These fathers who were once into these women sometimes head for the hills because they were irresponsible to begin with (convincing women to engage in unsafe sex is not a mark of responsibility).

While others may not become pregnant, many people in our generation carry some sort of sexually transmitted disease.

Among college students (who are no more rational than non-college students) an estimated 25% of girls and guys carry some form of a sexually transmitted disease.

Remember that amongst black youth the rate of infection is at an all time high, but these statistics are excluding other sexually transmitted diseases; these figures say absolutely nothing about other incurable diseases, such as genital warts, herpes, and others.

Not to mention, the pesky curable ones, such as syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and so on and so forth.

Abstinence is not the only way to reduce the spread of STDs; however, it is still the most effective.

I am not a proponent of abstinence-based education because I think it would be detrimental to young people who will undoubtedly engage in sex and have every right to engage in the act.

I do propose the "keeping it real" sex education that many institutions fail to teach.

When was the last time someone at our school or university actually engaged in an honest talk about sex?

Although sex is the start of life and a huge part of life for college students, institutions often ignore this fact and focus solely on "academic" initiatives.

As a nation, we need to be more proactive about educating not only public school children, but also private school children and even young adults matriculating at all universities about the realities of engaging in sex.

The last time the subject of sex was covered was at a 1.5 hour presentation that some boring old lady gave during orientation before the start of my courses as a college freshman.

Most of us, particularly those of us that attend campuses with "religious" affiliations or those within very conservative countries or districts were not even informed because the subject was avoided completely.

As if abstinence-only or no education altogether would benefit students...at all.

I am arguing that it is okay to wait until you are in a long-term, committed relationship to engage in full-fledged intercourse and even oral sex.

Oral sex can still transmit diseases.

Even pre-cum can infect people with illnesses.


Most people use condoms only when engaging in anal or vaginal intercourse; however, condoms should be used even when giving head to a dude or pleasing a woman downstairs.

If you claim to practice safe sex, be about it, stop playing; please do not half-ass your safe sex practices.

Personally, I am a complete virgin (not half).


I have neither done anything sexual with anyone nor plan on doing anything of the sort for quite some time.

I am in the minority, particularly, when it comes to black males.

We want to be the stuff, so we bang a lot of girls.

Lil Wayne and other rappers make a living talking about screwing "every girl in the world."

Every girl could carry many diseases and by sexing all these nameless girls the dick would fall off anyway; Young Money and a host of other performers are probably not even practicing what they preach.


I think the reason sex is rushed in black communities is because of the way it is promoted on Black Entertainment Television (BET) also known as trash television geared toward African Americans.

No, I am not advocating censorship.

I subscribe to the idea that art is art; it is what it is, whatever that may be.

Even the worst art deserves to be seen or heard, some people may consider the worst art the best art and vice versa.

I consider the classics more fulfilling than modern art, but these are simply matters of taste and even though by and large I am not a fan of the modern art movement, I can still find beauty in these newer forms.

However, I was hanging out earlier this summer with a friend and one of her friends, a much younger girl. A sheer look of horror arose on my countenance when this girl knew every lyric in one of Trey Songz's more provocative tunes (as if any of his songs are not pushing the envelope).

The girl was only ten years old; a ten-year-old should memorize her times tables and practice long division and should try to be learning cursive.

Ten-year-olds and other very young kids are not as rational as people ten years their senior. These young and impressionable youth are not even ready to drive cars let alone experiment with sex.

However, many of these children have already polluted their minds with the idea of engaging in sex.

We have to do much better as a community. As Hillary Clinton notes, "it takes a village to raise a child."

As a village of people of African descent, we have to monitor what our children learn from television, the media, and art.

The more I live, the more I realize that not every older person is wiser than I am or even wise.

And I strongly believe that certain people may not be emotionally stable and have children for all the wrong reasons.

Some people should just not even have kids.Some kids should not be exposed to certain kids of modern art, particularly where music is concerned.

A ten-year-old should never be singing anything about "the neighbors" knowing his/her name.

Trey Songz's lyrics are raunchy and pornographic, but he is an artist and he can sing whatever he wants.

Perhaps this ten year old's mother thinks it is cute that her daughter likes this artist so much and knows the lyrics to his songs, maybe she does not even know that her daughter is listening to this sort of music?

It is our job as part of this village to make sure our youth do not get sidetracked.

The unfortunate fact of reality is that age is not a measure of wisdom, it never has been and never will be.

That children can get exposed to these things in other ways, such as friends, the internet, and YouTube, well, that is something parents may not be able to monitor as closely.

Nevertheless, the mark of good parenting is good monitoring, supervision, and even flat-out control.

A parent cannot be a child's friend, they must be their parent because our friends are not people we admire, but, our parents kind of are.

Parents can maximize control of their children's surroundings in order to shield them from things that are too complex for their premature understanding.

When I was younger, my parents cut the cable off, restricted my internet usage, and sometimes eavesdropped on my phone conversations.

I had no human rights in my household and my father---the good minister---was a benevolent dictator.

Although my parents could always afford cable, they cut it off because they wanted to ensure that we were not influenced by some of the images that passes for "good programming" on television these days.

I used to hate my parents growing up; but, since being away from home and growing out of my angst I better appreciate their love and protection.
I was not allowed to really make friends, hence the social awkwardness.

I had to make the "right" friends, according to my parents. I used to bitch and moan about not being able to just have all types of friends. Now, I am grateful that even my friendships were a point of contentment in my household. Depending on the company we keep our actions and behavior can be altered, if it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a small chunk of that village to corrupt one.

I learned through force, but then through general will to interact with and meet people who were morally upstanding citizens.

My closest friendships were with people who actually care about their moral path and their impact on their respective communities; people who are actually kind; people who are not Sunday Christians, but try to live like Christ (with humility and admiration for all mankind); people who actually do the right thing not for the sake of putting it on a resume or boasting about how "involved" they are, but actually because they felt it was necessary, morally right and even stimulating.

My friends had to be hard-working, responsible, and profound intellectually.

My friends had to be respectable, dignified, classy, articulate, and wise.

My friends had to respect their elders (wise or unwise), speak softly, but, carry a big stick.

My friends had to be responsible, productive, and think about more than just sex.
My parents were always very observant and critical of the people I dared let meet them, it was always an inspection and interrogation and rightfully so.
I am glad that I did not hang out with just anyone.

So, let us get real, shall we?


I am special, I have to believe that otherwise who will believe it?

I hold my head up high, I speak in a matter-of-fact manner.

I have made many mistakes, but I believe that many of these could have been avoided had I maintained a respect for myself and my moral standards.

I try to never judge others harshly, but, my father discouraged me from being cool with any and everybody.

Both of my parents taught me to have "hi and bye friends," meaning one could see these people and have an acquaintanceship, but that this acquaintanceship or buddy system should never be misconstrued for an actual friendship.

I guess it's the politician in me to keep people at an arm's length, but it has worked for me so I will keep it up.

Now, I understand what my parents were saying.

Next semester, I will have a lot more "hi" and "bye" friends.

For a while I rebelled, particularly while I was away at college where I made a lot of "friends" [rolls eyes while typing], but when the going got tough, these so-called friends were not providing a shoulder to lean on or were just nowhere to be found.

I learned through social trial and error that my parents are two of the wisest people I know and were correct all along.


Some people just want to party with you, screw you, or steal your pot of gold. Some people are conniving and use others as a means to an end.

A real friend cares about your feelings as an individual, wants to protect you from harm, shows affection, acts in your better interests, proves reliable time and again, displays loyalty, acts responsibly, and remains honest even when you may not want them to be.

I can count on my two hands and feet how many real friends I have had in my lifetime.

This may sound harsh, but, it is my truth.


I may smile and carry on a conversation with you, but, trust, I do not consider you a genuine friend, that is something you have to earn through time.

If you cannot handle my brutal honesty or did not even know that I was raised to call a spade...a spade and a lie...a lie.

I was just raised that way.



"My mind is telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yes....I don't want to hurt nobody, but there is something that I must confess!" as R. Kelly sang, "I don't see nothin' wrong wit' a little bump and grind."



Seriously ya'll, I do see something wrong with a little "bump and grind" because the more I evaluate my chastity, the more I think it is wise and not pointless to keep my loins sacred for that precious individual that I will call my wife at the altar.



I do not think about getting my dick wet 24/7 or bumpin' and grindin' like some people.

Yes, I get horny, I am only human.

Besides, I know people who are downright whorish in their sexual body count.

When you have banged more people than your age (21 or more) you are probably not in good shape; something's seriously wrong.

Sex should not be something that defines you.

"Oh, I can screw."

"I can lay pipe."

Well, we all need something to make us proud, do we not?

Of course, sex makes people jaded, I have heard the same from many of my friends who are promiscuous, men sometimes, but women especially. Why else would Beyonce have a career (to the left to the left)?

When women are treated like sideline hos and men high-five one another for another "lay" or "number" in their childish black book something's wrong.

Clearly men and women are acting in selfish, self-gratifying ways for about an hour or less of sexual gratification.

People are unhappy when they discover their body was used as a means for someone else's end; people understandably feel devalued as full human beings, indignant, and foolish when such mistreatment occurs, and rightfully so.

It is romantic to actually love someone; it is mean to pretend to love someone to get something from them.

When I talk to men and women in my peer group who are well past "60 or so partners," they tell me, that their first time was not good, they wish they could go back.

It's a little too late for that, don't you think?

I listen to these people. I feel their pain.

I strongly feel that if it were not special the first time around, the other times become much less important until eventually one cannot even count how many people they have screwed.

At the end of the day, sex is sex, but feelings are something much higher.

Chivalry and romance are relics of a different age; but there are those who still want to be treated well and earnestly respected in and out of the bedroom.

We live in a time where the internet, cell phones, social networking, chatting and forums makes sex more accessible.

However, the sex acts lack a certain humanity.

These acts are robotic and heartless and leave those who engage in them feeling empty, alone, jaded and cold.

Therefore, I will continue to resist the fleeting charm of so many desperately horny individuals.

Besides, these women are usually only looking at my outward appearance, and I have learned that beauty has nothing to do with the outward appearance.

I will never be comfortable with the "hit it and quit it" culture that exists today.

But, I know people who are mighty okay with just sexing.

Whatever floats your boat, just stay the hell away from my penis.

"I just want to party and bull," some say.

How exciting.

"I am not going to be this young, dumb, and hot forever," others say, so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

God forbid these people lose a limb in a car accident or their face is permanently disfigured in a fire.

I doubt they would want to be treated poorly for not looking the same; however it is what they might deserve for being so foolish and superficial.

A man is not what he screws, he is what he knows.

A woman is not what she screws, she is what she knows.

We are more than skin.

I am not going to be this virile forever, but I will wait and take my chances at long-term gratification...a thing called love.

I am not going to get played down the road either because somewhere that special girl exists.

A true woman does not want a man whose only claim to fame is knowing his way around a pussy, plain and simple.

A real woman cares about the man's personality, his work ethic, his charm, his citizenship, his morality, his ability to be a good friend, his talent as a role model, his potential as a father, etc.

She wants to know that he can make her happy even when she is old and grey and she is no longer "pretty."

"Marriage is not the time for on-the-job training," some argue.

Oh really?

To these people I say, perfection is never achieved even after years of experience in a particular performance.

There is no such thing as the best banger or pipe layer, or the best pussy. Sorry folks.

"After all, how about sexual compatibility? Does not that count for something?" some may argue.

Yes, but after the 40s, when the libido starts to wane, what will keep the couple content?

If the foundation is built on sex alone, the marriage will crumble; if it is built on looks, it is already doomed.

If marriage consists of anything other than seeking happiness outside of the bedroom, fostering stability, and maintaining profound love, then it is not a "sanctified" one; it is simply a legal arrangement between two parties.

My sister tells me, "you can't be superficial, what if you can't get it up anymore or her titties sag, then what will you do?"


"But, I still have all my body parts and their telling me to just go for it, live a little. Have some fun and enjoy twenty-one," I argue.



"I am not looking to get married this early," and I continue, "I may never get married."

"So, why shouldn't I just bust a nut?" I ask.

Eve contends, "you have all your life to have sex, there is no rush. Take your time, you're only twenty-one."

At that point, all arguing ceases as I ponder her wise advice.

True, so true. My sister is wise beyond her years and she's a fierce debater without raising her voice, my sister, her logic speaks for itself.

I mean, sometimes "boys just want to have fun," but we have to analyze the risks associated with sex and determine at what point fun is no longer fun.

Commitment is a dirty word at this age.

"I ain't a role model," some argue. However, yes, we all are, we all are to younger people as they are using our experiences to justify their own behavior.

Regardless of what we think, people are inspired and impacted by our actions.

Each generation uses the lessons of the previous to arrive at certain decisions.



Nevertheless, what people do in the bedroom and in the office or some other public venue are two disparate things.

And if one honestly examines the personal lives of many storied leaders in the black community such as Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Jesse Jackson and even Barack Obama; one would probably find that these men are all just like you and me.

These powerful men like to screw too, don't let the baby hairs, cuff links, articulation, circumlocution, tailored suits, private jets, and other "gloss" fool you.

But, the women...Coretta Scott King, Michelle Obama, Betty X, and others with high self-esteem are not on par with Melyssa Ford, Karrine Steffans, Angel Lola Luv and other hip-hop video vixens; the former women have class, inward beauty, and wisdom.

As Jay-Z suggests, "you can pay for school, but you can't buy class."

Even outside of black leadership roles, men such as Bill Clinton, a former Rhodes Scholar, a governor, a master debater, and a freak he was.

He was cheating on his wife in the oval office, if that does not support Jay-Z's claim, I do not know what does?

We all have sex drives, even the smartest and most hard-working and articulate among us.

The mark of strength and outstanding character is self-restraint, courage under fire.

"One man with courage makes a majority," as Andrew Jackson teaches us.

We are all human.
Although only a handful of us are courageous.


I am only one human and Jesus told me to "come as you are."

That guy had the right idea.

Stop frontin' like you are Lil Wayne or some sort of bad-ass just because you are screwing a lot of people.

It is not a mark of manhood.

If you are good in the bedroom today, remember one day, you will not be able to get it up so easily and ladies those boobs will sag one day. We all get old, no matter how much cosmetic surgery we get trying to hold onto a dubious fountain of youth.

A man can handle his business in and out of the bedroom.

But, he must be wise and above all be rational.

I will not bore you with how I came to write this.

I am not a nice guy. I am just a brutally honest fellow who was raised by a classy woman, she taught me to be upstanding, honest, polite, and ruthless in pursuit of my goals.

Thanks Mom.

I am not ashamed of who I am.

I am not going to hide the lessons I was told.

So, here it is to all the contemplative good boys and the current bad boys that are unashamedly rampant and reckless in their promiscuity and have long ago ceased caring about a woman's worth, or their own for that matter.
Stop "doing" and start thinking about your legacy.

Do you really want to go down as the man who screwed every girl in the world and got the diseases to show it?

Or, do you want to stand on the shoulders of giants?

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