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Home early on a holiday, I got out of work because too many lovers had this shift canceled. I did manage to sit next to a fine young woman at my place of work, but for some reason I felt that momentary sign of interest from the single lady was not enough, I thought I could find more from others, so I went barking up the wrong tree.
I did, without the slightest idea why, I went to her...in middle school the young girls used to whisper slyly, "I don't come to dogs, dogs come to me." This describes almost too simplistically the complex relationship I had with this girl. She not only plays hard to get, but also has not a care in the world for my emotions.
The way she fiercely rejected me makes her dog-like in some instances. I walked her home and then she insulted one of my dear friends. I regret not sticking up for my friend more, she's much smarter, wittier, and interesting than that girl will ever be. That girl lacks the confidence to simply embrace who she is as a person.
She hides behind her beliefs and limits her actions based on a funny concept called Islam. Although a Christian, I cannot limit what I do based on a book written thousands of years prior to my existence, I simply can't prove who wrote those "divine" words and so I assume that these are not actually divine.
After listening to what amounts to literally hours of her useless banter, I realized that I have grown seriously desperate to waste such a portion of my life listening and wanting to discover the less superficial elements of this girl. I find one instance of promise and I become overly optimistic about a person's outstanding qualities. I guess I became delusional because I did not heed my friends who warned against pursuing her.
I feel as though I wasted a good part of my youth actually liking this one.
So, I sit writing this on my comfortable bed...I'm declaring substance independence. I got the new twists on my head to replicate the twisting, bending, and changing which must happen over the course of the semester and year.
I need to because I am beginning to feel like a mess of a person. I have to begin retracing my existence and forming a new me that doesn't completely abandon the old me. From this moment forward, I am not going to chase women, weed, rock & roll, alcohol and any other form of intoxicant for the next six months of my life.
I like to think that before all of these things were introduced to me that I was ignorant, but blissfully and willfully so. Now, I am not as ignorant, but I have been less hard-working because my priorities were becoming more social and less academic.
I'm cutting myself loose from the bittersweet pains and pleasures, the emotional highs and lows that logically accompany the often fruitless, wild goose chases, that overwhelmingly produce no game.
I freely admit that I am not a gamer or a smooth Casanova. I don't even want to be. I just want to be well-respected, well-paid, diligent, charismatic, affable, disciplined, and confident. I don't need a woman or a substance to be any of these qualities.
I understand why people warn about misery loving company now. I thought about it a lot yesterday and I realize that this abuse has gone on too long. I am beginning to feel old and look it too. I study way too little and party way too much. The life I led has been a series of bar scenes, parties, and hazes, purple, blueberry, sour diesel, and other strains.
I've lived enough and survived a few harrowing tales that I could start my memoir at the tender age of 21. But, I am not going to start now. Instead, I'm going to mention a bit here and a piece there about the whirlwind existence that has been more of a curse than an adventurous change from what my life was like just a few years ago.
So, I'm declaring celibacy. I hope in my sobriety I can learn to love myself above all else. I want to be happy, healthy in mind, body, and spirit. It's so cliche, but it's all I want now. I realize the level of abuse I've subjected my mind, body, and soul to in the last year or so is enough to put many addicts to shame. I haven't been honest with myself in the past. I just wanted to cover my bad behavior from the outside, so I became increasingly withdrawn last semester, to the point where I thought for sure I had lost my mind. I know it's just my environment that needs changing. I need to get out of my inner circle so that I can focus on what's most important...me.
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